15 Things to Do Instead of Freaking Out
A universal guide
- Pick out wallpaper for the ceiling of your office. Floral? Stripes? The possibilities are endless. It could take months!
- Wash your dog. She ate barf. That was helpful in the moment, but it probably would’ve been easier to clean the hard floor than to clean the dog.
- Consider a new hairstyle. Do this after reading a meme explaining 10 mom stereotypes and realizing you’re the one who’s “had the same hairstyle since high school.”
- Find an app that promises to let you try on new hairstyles. Realize you have to pay for anything other than a black ponytail with straight bangs. You are blonde. Accept your high school hairstyle.
- Make your husband and father-in-law build you an office by taking a 5×7 chunk out of your bedroom. Because having a desk next to your bed is “mentally ick.” Write this guide at the desk next to your bed instead of finishing painting the office so you can put your desk in it.
- Explain to your children that trick-or-treating is only for short people. But tall people also want a random variety of candy they did not have to pick out or pay for. That’s why they take short people door-to-door. Short people are tall people’s candy-collecting minions.
- Put two couches together to form an “invalid bed” à la Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Do not leave the couch island for an entire day straight.
- Refresh Facebook Marketplace to see if that lady with the beautiful Restoration Hardware dresser has come to her senses and lowered the price to less than full price minus taxes and shipping.
- Wonder why there is still Daylight Savings Time even though your state voted against it 6 years ago.
- Go to bed at 4 p.m. because it is dark.
- Watch Chappell Roan’s SNL performance. Read reviews of it on Threads. Discover a subculture of bi wives of straight men. Discover these wives all want to leave their husbands for Chappell Roan.
- Research foreign citizenship. Realize your family is a bastard family. Wonder how much the Catholic Church would charge to forge a marriage record from 1880.
- Cold plunge in the ocean. Because a podcast scientist who cheated on his girlfriends said it will make you a better person.
- Write a workout plan for the week. Triple it. Don’t stop moving. The high will carry you through until you pass out, happy.
- Take the stinky dog on a long walk. Watch people say hello to her. She’s still got it. Consider simply spot-washing the barf splatter.
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