AITA Posts by My 5-Year-Old

AITA for calling my mom out on her dumb poopface moves?

My mom picked me up from my after school program 5 MINUTES EARLY so I didn’t hug her, stuck my tongue out at her, and demanded she carry my backpack, but she carried it wrong so I called her an a$$hole. I only know that word because she said it and it seemed appropriate in context. AITA?

AITA for being deathly sick?

My mom brought me to school even though I said I was sick and to prove it, I coughed in her face, but I was drinking milk when I did it and sprayed it on her silk work shirt. She still brought me to school and when I tried to run away from the gate, she grabbed my arm really hard and gave me to the gate teacher who is a jerk because he kept me in the gate. So I made a fart noise at him, then burped the alphabet. AITA?

AITA for touching my own butt?

My mom made me wash my hands because she saw me put them on my butthole but it wasn’t dirty because I just took a bath. When she caught me, I said, “shit!” because I’ve seen her say it before and then she said if I said that again, I couldn’t watch Bluey or ANYTHING ELSE today, so I said, “SHIT!” And she still made me wash my hands and now I can’t watch Bluey OR Wish. My sister says shit is just poop. AITA?

AITA for SAVING MY OWN LIFE?

My mom took me to a snowy mountain and LEFT ME with a group of strangers who tried to make me slide down a slight incline to my death on STICKS STUCK TO PLASTIC CASTS STRAPPED ONTO MY FEET. I managed to get the death blades off and kicked the biggest stranger in the shins with the casts. Then he called my mom and she was mad at ME even though she’s the one who left me for dead with weirdly upbeat grownups who wanted to watch me faceplant for 2 HOURS for their own twisted sense of fun. AITA?