To the Class of 2025, from Me, The President of This Great American University

Good morning, Class of 2025! You did it! The fact that you’re sitting here today means you focused on a goal, studied hard, and never wrote an op-ed for the student paper. Give yourselves a round of applause!

The degree bestowed upon you today is a symbol of your dedication to deep and challenging thoughts that you should never say out loud again. So as you leave this football field at the center of this hallowed educational institution, remember what you learned here. Then write it down and put it in a sealed envelope for future anthropologists to find.

You are among the privileged to have had this college experience. And last. As such, it is morally imperative to use your voice to help those who otherwise could not scream at those who would deface a Cybertruck. To take a stand, over a keg with Pete Hegseth.

Find what you love, then write fanfic about it while you work your new American factory job.

To our esteemed premed majors, I’m truly sorry sickness no longer exists. To our beloved humanities majors, may your kindergarten-level French and Euro citizenship-by-blood application work out. Finally, to our aerospace majors, on the back of today’s program you’ll find a link to my Venmo.

This is your time! So go forth, and leave campus before the raids pick up.

But before you go, remember to give. Nobody knows how endowments work, but I will tell you this: Ours is expressly for maintaining the quality of our bathroom gender labels. It cannot cover anything else you think it should. Your taxable donations will directly fund the education of a trust fund baby in need.

And now, allow me one final message before I introduce your commencement speaker, Usha Vance’s uncle, whose presence, we’ve just learned, can also be paid for through our endowment:

Though I, or this University, may not be here in 10 years, 10 months, or even 10 days, I am honored that we will live on in your hearts and minds, as long as you do not succumb to a mind virus. The great adventure of life lies ahead. Seize it, before someone seizes you.