I Am a Ski That Just Popped Off and I’m Going Freaking Nuts Down This Mountain

Dude! Your pizza pie was getting so wobbly on EZ-Doesit, I knew I was gonna breakaway. Like, my Spidey senses were tingling. So when you hit that teeny bump on Galloping Meadow, I was ready to rip. I mean, I was crouched, wound up. As soon as you leaned back, then lurched forward, I pounced! Ka-pow!

So I get off to a rough start. I roll a few times. I head straight off the side of the run. Just right off the snow and into the trees and rocks. And I’m like naaaah dawg! This is it?! This is all I get? Like, it looks like I’m toast. But I keep my brakes up, land slick side down, and sail right through that stuff. Yee-haw!

Then there’s the crusty wall of snow. Man, I’ll admit I’m not sure I’ll make it over that. Especially after all that crud. But when the time comes, I put my all into it and fly right back onto the run. I know! If I hadn’t done it, I and the hundreds of people on the lift who saw everything from the start, wouldn’t have believed it either. What a rush!

So I make my way to the middle. The very center of the run. Right smack where all those kids are learning to ski, and the snowboarders are just chillin’ on their butts. None of them see me coming. I mean, not a Single. One. I’m blasting faster than Lindsey Vonn at this point. Just SHA-WOOSH!

I round 6-year-old Sally by like an inch, and I can hear everyone on the lift gasp. I’m definitely the center of attention, and I am loving it. Just eating it up.

I see if I can go a little faster. Really hot-dogging, you know? Then all of the sudden, ERRRRRRK! A boarder who just struggled for three minutes to stand back up after eating it toe-side appears right in front of me, OUTTA NOWHERE! And I’m all, whaaaaaa? And I’m like, Go left! Go right! But I need your thighs for that, right?!

So yeah, I’m in a helluva spot. I’m thinking this is the end. I only got like 10 seconds alone, but I got, like, so freaking far in those 10 seconds you know? So if this is it, I’m gonna be OK with it. Like, I’m at peace. I had a great run. I’m ready to get back to helping you with your pizza or whatever. This can end here.

So I just plow into that poor dude. And you know, I’m like, 173cm, 2.5 pounds. I’m trim. I keep it tight. I’m a kicker, not a linebacker. You get it. But at that velocity, I just—WHA-PLOOEY! I take his legs right out from under him then come to a dead stop below his feet.

So that’s where I’m waiting for you now. With that guy. He seems nice?

Dude, I’m so wiped. I’ll just veg here for now until you can make it down to me. What a thrill. What a fricking thrill, dude.

Anyway. Just wanted to show you what we could do together, when you finally get to French fries so we can shred. It’s gonna be so sick!