I Did Not Take My Husband’s Name

I know a woman who made a new last name when she married her partner. A combo of the first initials of their last names, like B + N = Bean. (It was more elegant than that.) When they applied for their marriage license, the clerk said, “Like Arbys!”

They said, “What?”

“Roast Beef. R, B. Arbys!”

This is how I found out how Arby’s got named.

There are many reasons people change their last names, marriage maybe being the most common. I never considered it. I like the Italianness of my last name. I like my dad. And as my dad said when my husband asked his permission to marry me (a patriarchal tradition), “She’ll do what she wants.”

My choice was simple. My husband also likes his last name and his dad. He kept his.

I made this decision in 2007, when somewhere close to 90% of women took their husband’s last name. You might think doing it now would raise fewer eyebrows. You’d be wrong. Today, 79% of women who marry men still change their last names.

Yes, there’s research on this subject. A surprising amount. Martial last-nameage interests a lot of people. It’s one way to look into social values and cultural norms. Things have been discovered and dissected about those who change and those who don’t. Things like: The more educated and less religious a woman is, the less likely she is to change her name if she gets married to a man.

And: People perceive women who don’t change their names to be less committed and loving. What people? I suppose the ones who don’t matter. Because the ones who matter don’t mind. That’s what the woman who taught my spin class this morning said.

Our kids also have my last name. This is uncommon. As of 2016, 96% of hetero couples gave their kids the father’s last name, according to one study.

I could say we did it to protest patriarchy. There is a bit of that. I’m happy our daughters will grow up knowing there are men, like their father, who will stand with them, not over them. That they do not have to accept any less. I am happy that giving them my last name has made them question cultural and societal norms and where they come from. Starting in kindergarten. What little badasses.

But the main reason we did it was simpler: My name is cooler. Objectively cooler. Thousands upon thousands of people share my husband’s last name. I can, more or less, figure out how I am related to everyone with mine. I think this is fun. The Italianness is also fun, even if the guy it came from was Swiss.

I don’t understand people who tell others how to live. So I will not tell you what to do. Whatever you decide about your name, I hope it feels right to you. For whatever reason, big or small.

HOWEVER, if you decide to marry, and your partner has any of the following names, do not take it or pass it on:

-Dicklesworth

-Coxswallow

-Hiscock

-Rapé

-Moist

Heine is acceptable.