An Open Letter to the Meth Head Squatting in my Grandma’s House

Hey, Guy,

Looks like you found some pretty sweet digs, there! Did the “For Sale” sign tip you off? Maybe we shoulda put “Do Not Disturb Occupants” underneath of it, even though the only occupants are the furniture and towels we used for staging. My grandma just died, you know. No, not in the house. She’s not haunting it, I don’t think.

I see you found the bed comfy. And you liked the linens, too. That’s nice. I saw you threw some things in the washing machine. That was thoughtful to clean up. Thank you. Oh, you used the staging towels to soak up blood in the bathroom where you broke the mirror and the toilet paper roll holder. Interesting. You must’ve been in a fight with yourself. I get it.

Look, dude. Sorry the realtor came over when you were trying to chill out in my grandma’s bedroom after that big fight. Yeah, she thought it was weird the door was shut. Maybe if you didn’t close it, she wouldn’t have noticed you were in there. Maybe. She’s pretty shrewd, though this has never happened to her before. And she’s been doing this for 40 years.

Sorry her daughter’s boyfriend chased you into the shed in the back yard and locked you in until the cops came. I know, they were pretty shocked they did it, too.

You left, like, a lot of meth on the bed. That must’ve been worth a lot of money. Or not. Maybe it costs the same as generic Adderall? Either way, now the cops have it. All of it. And you. But probably not you, for long.

Look, maybe don’t come back. I think the laws are something like, if one meth head squats in your dead grandma’s house that’s for sale, you don’t have to disclose. But if he returns…

I suppose I should also disclose, to you, that grandma was a catfish. Her many boyfriends do not just think they are strong, they are objectively beefy. And they will defend her home. For her. The farm woman who surely believed in vigilante justice.

We started paying for grandma’s internet again, and put cameras back up. The boyfriends are watching. Getting stuck in the shed will be the least of your worries.

Good talk!

Erin