Hello, it is I, the Owner of This Giant Electric SUV! 

Up here, yes, look up. Here I am! Floating four feet above your head. No, wait! Don’t walk in front of my Giant Electric SUV or I won’t be able to see you! My cameras will pick you up, maybe, but I may not notice while I play Roblox on my 360-degree LCD dash. 

Auto-drive has alerted me to your movement, as you’re a potential scratch hazard for my galactic metallic habanero paint. So I have looked up to find you, small walker, on my screen, and now I must inform you that I, the owner of this Giant Electric SUV, am the true steward of our great globe’s future health, as an investor in a zero-emissions vehicle. If you convert the amount of peanut butter per mile required to fuel your pedestrian jaunts to the market, you’ll see it’s better for the planet to travel up high, encased in 10 million pounds of steel, like me. Our cities have been designed to reflect this obvious fact.

Maybe, in my next altruistic act, I’ll pick up a rescue dog, a scraggly mutt that’ll get to travel with me, 0 to 60 in 2.1 seconds! Can you believe it? 9,000 pounds—12,000 pounds of it batteries—and I can still get off the blocks faster than Michael Phelps! That dog’s gonna be so stoked.

My electricity bill? Why, it’s no worse than running 12 large HVAC systems simultaneously in Phoenix in August. (I know because I also do that.) I spent more on gas every Tuesday last year driving my Regular SUV the long way to my secret second family. Range anxiety? Pssh. The only anxiety I feel is when my screens alert me to errant shopping carts during that hour I have to wait in a Walgreens parking lot to rejuice.

Ah, well, the light is green now. I will assume you have fully crossed the street, as I never could see the top of your head. Watch as my Giant Electric SUV propels me into the future, faster than the speed of a 10-year old mining cobalt, while you continue ambling about like a caveman. Cavethem? Pancake, if I notice you less than half-a-mile out. This thing brakes like a semi. Namaste!