When I Was Your Age, From a Millennial to a Kid in 2026

When I was your age we never wore sunscreen. The Earth had a protective layer and our skin was thicker. So thick that I could read whatever I wanted. Nobody worried Charlotte the talking spider would make me speak in tongues. When I was your age, blasphemy was a church thing and what grandma yelled at waiters who didn’t bring her extra breadsticks.

When I was your age, grandma drove me around in a minivan because SUVs were for the military. That green Pacifica is worth a million bucks today, because it’s from the Great Regulation Era, when they’d recall a whole dang car because of little things, like faulty warning lights. Now we place online bets about which new car will spontaneously combust, then wait until a neighbor has driven one for 2 years before buying. This is why we walk you to school. Uphill both ways!

Speaking of school, when I was your age, school had no fences. Any jogger could drop a deuce in the kinder bathroom, then be on their way before Ms. Candy saw. My mom could walk right up to me with the dino diorama I forgot at home and give me a hug! And a pizza bagel! Yes, when I was your age, pizza was on bagels, and you could have it anytime. We were so lucky.

When I was your age, we could bring opaque backpacks to concerts! We could walk right up to the gate to welcome great-grandma off her flight! Nobody wanted to. But we could!

When I was your age, boys were afraid to drink Mountain Dew because it would shrink their balls. Now you can drink all the Mountain Dew you want! There are no more government researchers to diss yellow #5, and pop isn’t on my mom network’s list of food other kids ate before they died. 

The CDC just said you can treat teeny testes, avian flu, and even potty mouth all with ivermectin. That’s so cool. Because when I was your age, I had to get shots. Lotsa shots. Okie pokies, we called them. I’d freak out about it, get jabbed, then get ice cream. Now I just tap into those savvy moms to find out who has TB so we can avoid them. No jab anxiety for you, you blessed little germ!

What is ice cream? Don’t you remember that dessert made from milk? We had to stop eating it after Mikey’s mom told me everyone who’s had it this year got food poisoning. When I was your age, I’d spoon that stuff straight out of the half-gallon container. When I was your age, ice cream came by the half-gallon! A full 64-ounces of pasteurized yumminess!

Those were the days.