Real Zillow Descriptions of Homes for Sale in the California Landslide 

There is a magical hill south of the city of Los Angeles called Palos Verdes, where the ocean and Catalina Island views are unobstructed and the cycling is fantastic. Also this hill is made of sand and a type of clay that can only get so saturated before it turns into slime. (Bentonite for any rock nerds reading this.)

Scores of gorgeous homes were built upon this stuff and now some of them have gone for a ride down the sludge and are no longer located within their original property lines, accelerating toward the ocean at a rate of up to 4 feet a month.

This, obviously, is devastating for the homeowners. Power and gas have recently been shut off to more than 100 houses and residents now have to decide whether to stay or go. (The NYT recently wrote up the issue.)

People who’ve decided to go have listed their homes on Zillow, and, my friends, the listings are unhinged. The Earth is literally ripping apart this neighborhood, a fact that would be pretty obvious if you asked for a tour. I can only imagine they’re targeting AI housebuying bots that haven’t been updated on the area since before the first home slides in the mid-1950s.

That said, I’m taking notes because I live on a fault line poised to blow.

At its essence, this post is a case study in disaster marketing that should be required reading for anyone with property in California. We could all be these homeowners someday. And we’re gonna need convincing realtors to sell our ruins.

Now it’s time to judge these Zillow Descriptions of Houses Sliding Into the Ocean:

(Using a Cray Cray Factor of 1-5, with 5 being the most disingenuous and 1 the most honest.)

House #1

$1.45 million (down from 1.95 in June)

4 bed / 5 bath

4,059 sq feet

REALTOR DESCRIPTION: Fresh air and ocean breezes are a staple in the beautiful Seaview Neighborhood. Catalina Island is just across the channel and the drive to get here is simply, beautiful. This stunning home was built in 2004 and offers a perfect blend of luxury and comfort.  (Yada yada yada)  Note- DO NOT visit without an appointment. This still beautiful home has been adversely affected by the recently activated land movement in the Seaview area of Rancho Palos Verdes. Nearly half the home shows no adverse effects of the land movement. It is not turn-key but there are methods available to retrofit the foundation and isolate the affected portion of the home from the movement. An engineering report is being produced to detail what needs to be done.

CRAY CRAY FACTOR: 2/5 I like that they didn’t completely ignore the landslide, and their optimism that a home buyer could find the right engineer to stop mother nature when the city and literally everyone else could not.

House #2

$1.5 million (down from $1.65 in June)

3 bed / 3 bath

1,856 sq feet

REALTOR DESCRIPTION:  1/5 Exquisite Coastal Retreat in Rancho Palos Verdes! Discover the beauty of coastal living in this stunning…residence nestled on an expansive 11,799 square foot lot in the coveted Seaview Neighborhood. (Yada yada yada) Don’t miss this opportunity to own a slice of coastal paradise in one of Southern California’s most desirable neighborhoods. Schedule your private showing today and experience the allure of seaside living at its finest.

CRAY CRAY FACTOR: 5/5 Absolutely insane. Zero mention of the landslide. There should be a law, like for deaths, where you have to disclose if the house has been in a landslide in the past 3 years. Or is that unnecessary because you can see it?

House #3

$2 million

4 bed / 4 bath

2,505 sq feet

REALTOR DESCRIPTION: Elegant Custom Seaview Home with Exquisite Details and Craftsmanship located outside the Klondike Canyon zone.  Discover the superb attention to detail and fine craftsmanship that define this elegant custom Seaview home. (yada yada yada) Don’t miss this truly exceptional home!

CRAY CRAY FACTOR: 4/5 Nice nod to the “Klondike Canyon zone,” where neighboring houses are cratering one to two doors over, as if it’ll simply stop there. This house is gorgeous though.

There was one house description in which it mentioned an in-ground pool, but said it was unusable, and the buyer would have to do due diligence to find out why that may be. I cannot find it anymore. This realtor may have realized that was, indeed, a 5/5 cray cray description and removed it.